The Disturbing Truth about Tidus
by Eric and Derek
Summary: Title is more or less self explanatory, Tidus, after many years of being a mature male yeah whatever! well, let's just say he finds his inner child and acts more like an idiot than normal. Childish. please READ!


**Still a Child at Heart**

**16th April**

This is a story about the time when the gang is stopping at the GuadoSalam inn. They are on their way to see Maester Seymour, when Tidus gets off to a bad start. Tidus then becomes more stupid than normal. See really, he's still a child at heart!

" Come on! Get moving!" yelled Wakka up the stairs. All of the other characters sat patiently in the living area. " Hurry up! Get your bum down here, you listenin'?" Wakka looked at his watch " hey, since when did I get a watch. Oh well, its nice, lights, time modes, and ooh, even a dental floss dispenser. Kimahri might need that, that cat food makes his breath stink. Tuna and Salmon." He cringed. He stamped his foot in annoyance. " Clock face is a bit scratched though."

A wail could be heard for upstairs followed by a bang and another scream. It was Tidus. None of the others (except Wakka) knew what was wrong with him, and Wakka; no good with secrets restrained himself from deliberately embarrassing Tidus. Eventually, well, what the heck...

So far it hadn't been a particularly good morning for Tidus. He got up, from the beds in the GuadoSalam inn, to find out that it was his turn to pay the bills. 10,063 gil. He had 85. So he got out of the bed, with his chain tied twice around his neck and his bootlaces wrapped round each finger on each hand. ' Oh yeah, I remember now, I was Lord Ochu'. Funny, not many people have heard of a 17-year-old that gets tipsy on raspberry rippleade.

A while later, after releasing himself from certain items of clothing, he walked over to his cupboard mirror to discover he had accidentally put Lulu's tights on.

" I didn't notice my legs looked so nice in these." Tidus giggled. Unfortunately. Kimahri walked in at that precise moment.

"Ha! Tidus stolen Lulu's legs!" with a burst of laughter, Kimahri leaped out the room and told nearly every Guado in the inn. To make matters worse, Tidus put his hand in last nights-Cheesy Puffs, which had literally been liquidated. After washing his hand rid of mould, he tripped over his prized collection of aeon dolls. Valefors eye had popped off. Followed by a wail, a smash and another scream Tidus emerged from the room in a temper. Only to be made worse by Auron, who complained Tidus's hair was a mess.

" YOU can talk, old man. YOUR hair hasn't been washed, cut or combed for ten years." Tidus moaned. With a pause for a whiles thought, he wandered up to Auron's greying hair.

" 3 or maybe 4, needs a bit of a trim here, cover those greys" Tidus continued to examine Auron's hair state for quite some time.

" IF you don't mind, pretty boy, my hair state is fine as it is. I'M dead, you're alive-ish, and your hair's a mess. Get it brushed."

Tidus marched upstairs and began tipping the inn upside down looking for his comb.

Unfortunately Yuna had used it to brush out Ifrits fleas.

And that's where it left off. Wakka in the hallway and Tidus still upstairs. They had all been waiting for him for well over 35 minutes. Eventually Tidus came downstairs, his face disguised as a paper bag with eyeholes.

" Hey, Tidus, You forgot to put a breathing hole in that thing, you know?" squeaked Rikku as she usually does.

" I... think... its very fetching... but she IS right. You do need to consider breathing." Said Yuna sweetly.

" How can I cut a hole out now? I'm not taking it off...er...I have my reasons...Wakka shut it!"

" Take it off upstairs, and THEN cut holes out" Auron wished he didn't just said that. Wakka jumped at him and smacked him on the back of the head.

" What you say that for?" Hissed Wakka in Auron's ear " now he's gonna take even longer!"

" Er... forget the breathing holes for now Tidus," insisted Yuna "You'll manage fine. Well lets get going, Maester Seymore won't be too happy about us arriving late, and Kimahri sure doesn't want to miss his dental appointment. Tuna and Salmon breath. Eewww "

" Kimahri have ears too. Kimahri not have bad breath"

" Yeah sure, just...just talk with your mouth closed next time, ya?" (Guess who).

They left, avoiding curious glares from Surrounding Guado's. Tidus's paper bag, Kimahri's bad breath and ( from the male Guado's ) Lulu's extremely revealing dress. After a while, they arrived at Seymour's place where an odd looking man stood before them. This was obviously Seymour.

Seymour was also wearing a paper bag on his head, but...with out eyeholes or airholes. The gang could tell from his idiotic style of dress that this was definitely the Guado leader.

Yuna gave a polite bow to the temporarily blind Maester, who advanced towards Lulu.

" Greetings Sir Auron, I am honoured." As he shook the Black Mage's hand.

" Hello, Honoured, I'm Lulu"

" Oh! My apologies." Whimpered Seymour in his usual Pansy-ish voice. He steadily wandered toward Kimahri, and put his hands on his hips.

" Well, Lady Yuna, you've put a bit of weight on since I last saw you. Not shaved for a while either. And, my! When was the last time you used mouthwash? You smell like Kimahri, ewwww Tuna and Salmon." He held Kimahri's paw " hmmm, you could definitely do with a Manicure..."

" Hey! Idiot! Are you blind? That's Kimahri!" shouted Tidus " you haven't even got eyeholes in your bag!" Seymour simply sighed. He took of the bag.

Nothing was different, apart from the fact that he had the words ' I LOVE GOOSES' written on his left cheek.

" That's terrible!"

" It's awful!"

" Eh? Wha? Yeah really bad English Grammar!" commented Tidus

" Tidus! Quit it! You makin' a real big fool of us already an' we ain't even been here 5 minutes!" Hissed Wakka as he got Tidus in a headlock. Wakka smacked the moron that was held captive under his arm on the back of the head so hard, that Tidus flopped on the floor. Yuna knelt down to help him recover.

" Tidus, are you alright there?"

" GWARK!" screeched Tidus as he jumped up " What's on the menu, the menu, the menu, tonight? GWARK! " He started dancing around with his hands flapping on his hips. " I'll, I'll I'll tell you, I AM!"

" Somethin' up with that boy eh?" asked Wakka to Auron

" Well, " replied a confused Auron " he's always been a bit odd, but not this extreme"

The gang decided to follow Seymour back into GuadoSalam. But Tidus, was an exception, instead he started singing and dancing. He had now attracted a very large crowd of Guado children.

" Look at, look at, look at... my... pretty tail feathers my pretty tail feathers! GWARK!" children began poking his bum with remarks such as " he hasn't got any tail feathers!" and " this isn't gooses feathers, this is just pure Human ass flab"

" HEY! A worm! I CLAIM IT! This is my worm, you pesky pack of geese! BACK OFF! It's mine!" yelled Tidus at a twig on the floor.

Yuna and her guardians entered through the grand Maester's front oak doors. His mansion was huge, green, posh, green, extraordinary, green and full of old paintings... of old geezers. Oh yeah, and did I mention Green?

The gang was seated at the table for starters, and still Tidus failed to arrive, even for food. An annoyed looking Guado chef interrupted the Banquet's starter meal.

" I apologize, Sir... er...and company, but there seems to be a problem in cooking the main course, as you may know, it's goose on a Thursday, and well, you may have noticed you're friend is missing. He's in our kitchen, and insists we serve him to you as a meal, but he refuses to be cooked, plucked, beheaded, have honey smothered on him, and he also insists that we leave him with his guts inside and that he prefers not to be stuffed either."

" That is no problem, bring him in. We'll just have whatever's in yesterday's the trash for our Banquet."

" Very well, as you wish" he gave the Maester an obscure look.

A short while later, the main Banquet meal was bought in. It's was Tidus Goose.

" So, how did you end up with the pen on you're cheek? Practical joke or somthin', ya?"

" It's a long story, the Guado Blitzball team and I go back a long way. It's a personal joke we share, which involves me loving geese-"

" GWARK!" It was Tidus. He sprang out of the huge dish that had been placed in the middle of the table about 3 minutes ago. " I didn't know you loved us Gooses!" he began to flap around Seymour's chair.

" Tidus, stop it! You acting like a maniac child on a dangerous Sugar-High!" hissed Wakka across the table. " Cut-It-Out!"

Yuna stood up. " Oh-yes! I-remember-now!" she yelled with a ' this-is-the-only-decent-excuse-I-can-come-up-with' face " Kimahri-has-got-to-go-to-the-dentist-now! NOW!" she gave an embarrassed giggle. " Come on let's go" she muttered through gritted teeth. She walked briskly out of the doors urging the others to follow her. Once out of sight of Maester Seymour, she attempted to commit suicide by banging her head against the wall several thousand times.

" I'm a goose, I'm a goose, I'm a goose, I'm a goose, I'm a goose, I'm a goose, I'm a goose, I'm a goose, I'M A GOOSE!" sang Tidus whilst attempting to bounce idiotically of the walls.

The gang left, I search of Yuna, to prevent her from killing herself from her suicide attempt.

" Now we are headed for the Thunder Plains, remember when the screen flashes, press X in order to avoid getting hit by the lighting bolts " announced Lulu. The others were confused. Screen? X? " However constantly smashing X can be dangerous."

" What the hell are you talkin' 'bout Lu?" asked Wakka.

Lulu shrugged " didn't you know that Humans on the outside world are stupid?"

" Heh heh heh an' Tidus is one of 'em" chuckled Wakka.

Well anyway, the gang carried on through the Thunder plains and finally after dodging loads of lightning bolts (well I Tidus's case being fascinated in them, which resulted in him being virtually fried alive ( that's what you get for being a moron)) they eventually reached Rin's travel agency.

" Hello? Is...the...dentist...anywhere?" said Yuna pronouncing each word slowly and carefully.

" Yes, he is in the back" said Rin ( don't worry, they can't tell what he's saying either!) " why?"

" eh? Whachu say?" shouted Wakka

" um...yes...we-don't-under...stand...you" said Lulu with ridiculous hand gestures.

" in the back!" yelled Rin, annoyed

" Pardon? I might be old and deaf, but I can tell you are not making much sense!" said Auron peering over Yuna's head.

" Oh I give up" muttered Rin as he stomped off.

Everyone assembled in the back room where the dentist sat, daydreaming. Kimahri had his checkup, by which time it had finished, the dentist lay half dead. This was because of the catfood breath that seeped out of the Ronso's mouth. ( anybody keeping cats, out there, you'll know what I mean when I say they stink)

" excuse me?" said Yuna politely with a bow " did you say you were also a psychiatrist also? Because we need you to check on Tidus."

" I don't need a checkup! I have good teeth, and I also don't need to see a whatever-trist either!" exclaimed Tidus a he attempted to talk to Wakka's hair. As you may have guessed...it didn't talk back to him.

After about 5 minutes of struggling to seat Tidus in the chair, the psychiatrist began to examine a very tired Tidus, who still happened to keep the paper bag on his head.

" Sir- " the man began, but was cut short

" I am not a 'sir' but I am a gander" Tidus explained promptly " a MALE goose"

" well then Mr. Gander"

" GANDER! Where did you get that from?" called Tidus sitting up now " you think I'm a male goose? That's an awful thing to say! If you don't mind I'm Mrs. Tidus Spahackably!"

" well madam-"

" madam! I'll have you know I am a guy!" he stood up and showed the disgusted man what was down his trousers.

The man was terrified and replied with a barely audible " disgusting".

" TIDUS JUST SIT ON THE DAMN CHAIR!" yelled Lulu

He sat. He crossed his legs. He frowned. He pouted. He made a rude hand gesture to Lulu. He was quiet. At last.

" now, as I was saying, citizen of Spira, please remove that awkward paper bag."

Tidus just sat.

The man, who by the name on his badge was " Mr. Chief Beef" removed the bag. Only to find another. It was identical. He ripped the current one off to find another, then another, then another, and so on and so forth.

After a long 20 minutes, Mr. Chief Beef ripped off in total 492 paper bags.

" ahem, Sir-" he began

" I am not a Sir-"

" You ARE indeed a Sir...what appears to be the problem here?" Tidus took a deep breath.

" I have 4 hairs out of place, I'm so ashamed!" he whimpered. Tidus ran towards to mirror on the other side of the room. His hair poofed up into a square paper bag shape.

" AHHH! GODAMNIT! I've got bag hair now!" he cursed as he frantically reached for the plastic comb on the dresser.

Everyone laughed.

**That night**

At Rin's travel agency, it was dark but not all was still. Tidus sat in his bed messing with his Teddybear, putting hairbobbles in its fur. ( complete Pansy, reveiw if you agree! This is NOT a bribe) he wanted to play and Yuna's clothes seemed a fun way to entertain him.

About an hour later Tidus was fully dressed in Yuna's summoner clothes and Yuna, poor soul, was forced to wear Tidus's clothes.

" Tidus?" yuna mumbled sleepily

" haha...Yuna" he stumbled.

" are those...my CLOTHES!" she hissed.

" no, it's a very realistic holographic projection that are being transmitted from the... the...lighting wires." Tidus thought he was quite clever.

" then is this just a real holo-whatsit pro-what-ever-it-is-you-said that's on me aswell?"

" no" Tidus mumbled childishly

" can I have my clothes back Tidus?" growled Yuna.

So after a switch of clothes, Yuna moaned.

" Um Tidus, why have I got a love note to Wakka sewn in my bra? And why is there a dead worm in my pocket, and why have soiled my knickers? And why the hell have I got your pink lipstick smeared on the bottom of my dress?"

" yeah! And why have I got nits?" said Tidus scratching uncomfortably at his scalp

" that has got nothing to do with me." Yuna edged away.

" oh yeah! I remember. I'd forgotten about my treasured 13 year old Head Louse farm. See that's what makes up most of my hair..."

Well, there you go! Hoped you liked it. Please review to tell us what you think. Another chapter may be coming soon if you lot like it out there!


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